Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I have a confession to make......I have "issues". Many of you reading this who know me well are saying, "yea, you do!" but not my OCD issues or anything like that. It is an "issue" I cannot seem to erase from my life. How shall I put it??? I cannot let go of the past....the medical past. Let me explain. So, over two years ago we were totally immersed in NOTHING but medical stuff with Bryson. Our days consisted of rounds and medical jargon and administering meds and peep and tidal volume and ventilators. It was literally ALL we talked about or did for 5 months.....only to leave the hospital and for the next 6-7 months it was withdrawal, meds, cardiology, ng tubes, blah, blah, blah! All I ever did was either talk about Bryson's medical issues or talk to nurses about other medical issues or talk to other parents about their kid's medical issues. I knew more about the medical field than I EVER dreamed. So somewhere around Bryson's first birthday it slowed significantly. He was in the clear and doing great and gaining weight. Praise God! We still discussed things and I kept in touch with the nurses. We took toys to the hospital and visited a few times. Now we are just past Bryson's second birthday. He has been home from the hospital for about 17 months...almost a year and a half. And I can't let it go. I don't mean so much the bad parts (and there were SO MANY of those). Those are slowly fading (thank goodness). What I mean is the life there...the meaning it held....the drama of it all...the medical staff.....the hospital staff.... I can't really explain it but I think that people who have children who have or do spend a lot of time in hospitals can relate to what I am saying. The weird thing is that when I was immersed in it I cannot begin to tell you how terribly I wanted out of that situation. And I am, by no means, saying that I want to be back there. NOT EVER! But, now that I can look at it from the outside it looks different. I made friendships at the hospital that I thought would last a lifetime and yet I never talk to anyone from there anymore really. There was a feeling there that was just different from anything else. I really can't explain it. It was terrible and wonderful at the same time. Now it is like it never happened, which honestly I am so very thankful for that feeling. But, at the same time I spend countless hours reading blogs of children afflicted with terrible diseases and sicknesses. I know I shouldn't and everyone says, "how do you do that? It is so sad!" But I don't feel that way. Granted it does make me terribly sad that they have to go through such terrible things but there are so many times that they celebrate little victories. Those people, in those blogs, they never take one single minute of their lives for granted, not ever....simply because they don't know how many minutes they have left with their children. I wish I could be that person. I think, for a while, when Bryson was sick, I was that person. Maybe that is really what I miss. My life had so much meaning when Bryson was sick. We lived HARD, we loved HARD, we cried HARD but everything we did had so much meaning, so many emotions. I hope I don't sound ridiculous. I hope you know that I am so very thankful that my son is well and I would never want for that again but sometimes I wish I could feel that feeling of complete and utter devotion of my life and my feelings. I never worried about work or bills or anything because I was so focused on keeping my family together and happy. I know it isn't realistic and I know (from experience) that it is utterly exhausting. Truth be told I think it is just being cut off from the medical world cold-turkey. It is just weird to live one way for a year of your life and to leave it and never look back. God does those things to protect us I believe. Anyway, sorry for the weird ramblings. And just so you know, I don't just read those blogs blindly. I write encouraging messages to the parents and I pray for them nightly. I do for them what so many did for me! If I can sum up anything from this silly post it is this, as cliche as it sounds, love your family like you could lose them tomorrow.....forgive and forget because in the end so little of it matters anyway....oh, and most importantly, don't run with scissors!!!!!! or pee in the wind!!