"The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched-they must be felt with the heart." Hellen Keller

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


I have a confession to make......I have "issues". Many of you reading this who know me well are saying, "yea, you do!" but not my OCD issues or anything like that. It is an "issue" I cannot seem to erase from my life. How shall I put it??? I cannot let go of the past....the medical past. Let me explain. So, over two years ago we were totally immersed in NOTHING but medical stuff with Bryson. Our days consisted of rounds and medical jargon and administering meds and peep and tidal volume and ventilators. It was literally ALL we talked about or did for 5 months.....only to leave the hospital and for the next 6-7 months it was withdrawal, meds, cardiology, ng tubes, blah, blah, blah! All I ever did was either talk about Bryson's medical issues or talk to nurses about other medical issues or talk to other parents about their kid's medical issues. I knew more about the medical field than I EVER dreamed. So somewhere around Bryson's first birthday it slowed significantly. He was in the clear and doing great and gaining weight. Praise God! We still discussed things and I kept in touch with the nurses. We took toys to the hospital and visited a few times. Now we are just past Bryson's second birthday. He has been home from the hospital for about 17 months...almost a year and a half. And I can't let it go. I don't mean so much the bad parts (and there were SO MANY of those). Those are slowly fading (thank goodness). What I mean is the life there...the meaning it held....the drama of it all...the medical staff.....the hospital staff.... I can't really explain it but I think that people who have children who have or do spend a lot of time in hospitals can relate to what I am saying. The weird thing is that when I was immersed in it I cannot begin to tell you how terribly I wanted out of that situation. And I am, by no means, saying that I want to be back there. NOT EVER! But, now that I can look at it from the outside it looks different. I made friendships at the hospital that I thought would last a lifetime and yet I never talk to anyone from there anymore really. There was a feeling there that was just different from anything else. I really can't explain it. It was terrible and wonderful at the same time. Now it is like it never happened, which honestly I am so very thankful for that feeling. But, at the same time I spend countless hours reading blogs of children afflicted with terrible diseases and sicknesses. I know I shouldn't and everyone says, "how do you do that? It is so sad!" But I don't feel that way. Granted it does make me terribly sad that they have to go through such terrible things but there are so many times that they celebrate little victories. Those people, in those blogs, they never take one single minute of their lives for granted, not ever....simply because they don't know how many minutes they have left with their children. I wish I could be that person. I think, for a while, when Bryson was sick, I was that person. Maybe that is really what I miss. My life had so much meaning when Bryson was sick. We lived HARD, we loved HARD, we cried HARD but everything we did had so much meaning, so many emotions. I hope I don't sound ridiculous. I hope you know that I am so very thankful that my son is well and I would never want for that again but sometimes I wish I could feel that feeling of complete and utter devotion of my life and my feelings. I never worried about work or bills or anything because I was so focused on keeping my family together and happy. I know it isn't realistic and I know (from experience) that it is utterly exhausting. Truth be told I think it is just being cut off from the medical world cold-turkey. It is just weird to live one way for a year of your life and to leave it and never look back. God does those things to protect us I believe. Anyway, sorry for the weird ramblings. And just so you know, I don't just read those blogs blindly. I write encouraging messages to the parents and I pray for them nightly. I do for them what so many did for me! If I can sum up anything from this silly post it is this, as cliche as it sounds, love your family like you could lose them tomorrow.....forgive and forget because in the end so little of it matters anyway....oh, and most importantly, don't run with scissors!!!!!! or pee in the wind!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Just wanted to drop in and say Bryson's appointment went great. He weighs 26 pounds, which she said was a perfect weight. He looks kind of skinny but she said it is because he is tall for his age. He is a whole yard tall! Lol! She, as always, is amazed at how great he looks. She said you would never think that he went through all that he did! He got a flu shot (not ready for 2 year shots yet, behind a little due to his hospitalization) and he did run a little fever last night but is great today! Oh, and a funny story. My mom took Riley to the dentist for me (I couldn't because of work). Anyway, they had to fix his spacer because it broke and the dentist was forced to really hurt Riley (not on purpose but it was the only way to fix it) and he was standing over him with plier-like contraptions in his mouth and Riley was crying and yelling and fighting back (which is NOT like Riley, so it had to have been BAD!) and my mom said that Bryson ran up to the dentist and gave him his best dirty look (he lowers his eyes and looks like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining", seriously, it's creepy!) and he told the dentist "NO DO!" She said the dentist's staff was cracking up! He even rared back to hit the dentist. LOL! He LOVES his bubba! Then he patted Riley on his arm as if to tell him it was ok. That kid is so funny! Riley is fine now and looking forward to his night without football. Oh, and I have to brag...I got an e-mail (out of nowhere) from Kory's English teacher and she said she just wanted to tell me that he was a great kid and she really enjoyed him and that he was doing great in English (just like his mom!) I was really proud! My kids ROCK! :) I will admit this was stolen from another blog but it was too good not to steal! Fill in the blanks! •If I were to get pregnant again I would so totally sue my doctor (just kidding) but really, I would FREAK! •If I could have any job in the world I would want to be a veterinarian. •If I had a day to myself I would clean of course (yea, I'm sick!) and I would color and watch movies (apparently I am sick and childish) OH, and I would eat something REALLY good and fatting! •If I could get married all over again I would marry the same wonderful man but I would have a real wedding instead of getting married in the courthouse. •If I could live anywhere in the US I would live in TEXAS. I will NEVER leave TEXAS! •If any of my sons had been girls their name would have been McKenzie or Brinley or Lilah, so many cute girl names! •If I could have any talent in the world I would want to be a good dancer! I suck at dancing! •If you met me in real life, I think we would have a good time visiting! •If I could go back to school and get a different degree it would be in nursing •If money were not an object I would TRAVEL! •If I could meet one celebrity it would be Jennifer Garner (I LOVE HER!) •If I could only shop at one store for the rest of my life it would Target! •If we get another pet it would be a kitten. SO sweet! •If I could go on a trip, RIGHT NOW, it would be to Hawaii! I have always wanted to go to Hawaii! •If I had to chose between a house cleaner and a personal chef, I would pick a personal chef. I like to clean and no one does it the way I like. And then maybe I would request something healthy! •If I had the option of plastic surgery I would have liposuction and a breast lift!!!! Three kids sure can wreck your body!!!!!!!!! LOL

Monday, September 19, 2011

Well it is official....little stinker is two! He must know that two is supposed to be different because I swear he is talking more, being friendlier to people outside his immediate family and just being all around super silly! He is such a happy boy and so easy! He goes tomorrow for his two year old shots and check-up. I bet he can hardly wait! :)
Life is in full force around our household! I am working at my new job, which I love! Riley is doing football four nights a week for two full hours and Mark is helping coach so he is busy too. Kory has homework coming out of his ears! It is so nice to be busy and normal!!!! I have to admit I am letting fear creep up into my mind again for some reason. It is so stupid really but I keep wondering if Bryson is going to have any more issues with his heart. Ever since we visited the cardiologist and he said that it is "common" for patients to need further procedures....well, I just can't let it go. You know those times in your life when everything is soooo great and you can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop??? I hate that feeling! I am enjoying life but I wish I could just "let go" and not let fears make their way into my thoughts. Please pray that I can do that, for myself and for my family! We do have some super fun stuff coming up that will keep my mind busy though, or MORE busy! :) We are headed to the Texas vs OU game in October.....just me and Mark. I am excited! I am already dreading leaving the boys but it will be a short and fast trip and a lot of fun to boot. Plus Mark's grandma's 85th birthday party is that weekend too so we get to visit our dear family as well. Good times! Then Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.........WOW! So much stuff coming up! Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Happy Birthday Cowboy Bob!

I rarely ever look at this cutie that he isn't wearing that ridiculous, cheap, cowboy hat. So funny! Bryson will officially turn two on Saturday, September 17th! I wanted to write now because we have a SUPER BUSY week ahead and I wasn't sure when I could blog so I am doing it now. I can't believe that this sweet little bundle of joy was born two years ago. I recently told me mom that the weirdest stuff has been "coming back to me". It is like I mentally blocked out days from Bryson's birth, much of that time being at the local hospital (not Children's). Something will happen and a memory will "pop" back into my brain. So strange! It does hurt that we don't have those "happy" memories on the day of his birth. I honestly can't think of one thing....other than the fact that he survived, by a thread, a survived that day. He is such a fighter, such a blessing. His life represents hope, strength, love and faith!
He has changed so very much from that day two years ago. He is tall for a two year old (or at least I think he is!) and he weighs about 25 pounds or so (I think). He isn't skinny but he is kind of "petite". He is hilarious! He is sooooo rotten! He is cuddly and that blonde, curly hair just cracks me up. I still don't know where he got those sweet curls from! If you ask him how many he is he happily replies "TWO!" We taught him that this weekend and he caught on super fast. He really and truly is so smart and I know it sounds silly to say that surprises me but we heard so many, many times that they didn't know if he had damage to his brain and that we wouldn't know until later in life. He talks so much and is starting to repeat everything you say. He is VERY particular about things. We laugh that he is OCD. He lines up all of his toys or groups them and he is a very serious "player". He LOVES his toys and he makes all the right car noises and dinosaur noises. The boys taught him to hold up his fists and say "grrrr" and it is so hilarious because he does it at the strangest times. He CANNOT get enough of his brothers. His love for them is endless and the same goes for them when it comes to Bryson. I don't know if I have ever known a boy so loved by so many people and he is just silly and oblivious to it all! His biggest obsession, of course, is Lloyd. Lloyd is what we named his green blanket. We did that because if it was missing and someone said, "didn't you bring the blanket?" then the tears would start. He sure knew what the word "blanket" meant but he is starting to figure out what Lloyd means too. LOL. We like to sing that he is, "looking for Lloyd in all the wrong places, looking for Lloyd in too many places!" Hee, hee! He sucks on that blanket until it is soak and wet and let me tell you it is just lovely to roll over onto it in the middle of the night. UGGH! And, yes, he is in our bed and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. We are so blessed to have made it to two years with so few issues regarding his health! We recently visited the cardiologist and he said everything looked good. He did confirm that it is fairly common for his heart to grow faster than his repairs and so he might have to go in to the cath lab at some point to do some repairs. He could also grow scar tissue in areas and block flow, which could also warrant a trip to the cath lab. And, I am sad to say, there is always the possibility that things cannot be fixed in the cath lab and he would have to have another surgery. All we can do is pray that he doesn't and frankly, he has done so well, I can't imagine he would. Either way, now he is stronger and bigger and he would do just fine if he had to have something done. I thank you all for all your prayers over the past two years. We never would have made it if it hadn't been for that. God is good! Happy Birthday my sweet little man!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I've been working on the railroad.....

Well, it is official. I started back to work! I love my new job but I feel so guilty for leaving sweet B. The other boys are at school most of the day but sweet B is home and my mom (his wonderful nanny) said that the first day that I worked he walked around looking for me, saying, "momma? momma?" AAAWWWW! Poor baby! He is just so sweet! I think he is worried I will leave forever because he SURE has been sweet and behaved nice lately. I told my mom it was like that program "scared straight" when they take the kids to prison to see what the prisoners live like so that they fly straight and act right! LOL! Then we went out of town to our deer lease (last weekend to do it before football takes up our entire schedule) and I had to leave my sweet B again, but not for too long. Anyway, we are back and Bryson is putting on a full-fledged show for us. He is so silly!
He is so attached to his brother's and drives them all crazy! We are getting ready to celebrate Bryson's second birthday soon and I am so excited! Such a special day!
***I know it says he is two in the side bar but I just updated it before he actually turned two so I wouldn't forget. I did the same for Kory too, he turns 16 in October. It is my OCD! LOL)
Anyway, we are doing something quiet here with Spongebob cake and decorations...quite a bit more low-key than last year for sure! I told him that was a once in a lifetime thing but I think at this point he is going to be looking forward to gifts so it should be great for him!
See ya soon, gotta put a whiney baby to bed!!!!!