"The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched-they must be felt with the heart." Hellen Keller

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Memories

What a sweetie! Kory looked at the blog and made the comment that I don't mention him enough so I will mention something he did that he will probably be embarrased about. He said to me the other day, "remember Mom, isn't it you who says that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder???" Hee Hee! I guess that you could put it that way if you wanted! I love it! Summer is going good but it seems like it is going fast as well! Usually by the time school starts I am soooooo ready for it to start. I like structure and a schedule and summer is just "fly by the seat of our pants" and I don't like it! I feel like I have been so busy all summer and I guess that is because we have been busy but it has been good nonetheless. Now we are trying back with the bottle. He doesn't seem to like the sippy cup anymore and he acted a little interested in the bottle so we are back to that so we will see. It is rough really! I try so hard not to get frustrated but it is hard sometimes. I have to admit that I had a breakdown on Saturday. I am not sure what brought it about but to be honest it was a lot of things I think but really I think it began with going to the hospital where Bryson was born on Friday. I took some books up there and we walked down THE HALL. I already posted this on caring bridge but for those who didn't read it....it was the same hall where they rolled my near death baby down in a space machine contraption to Dallas as we peered in at his lifeless body. Walking down that hall just brought back soooo many bad memories. Later we were back in the car and B was with me grinning and laughing (and pooping) and I thought it was gone, I thought that feeling of despair and terror and fear was gone. The next morning I was feeding him baby food and heard the song I had picked out for his funeral (yes, I thought about it all the time at one point) and I just lost it. I had taken the tube out for pictures and I had this STUPID idea that it would make all the difference and he would eat and drink and I wouldn't have to put it back in. NOT SO MUCH! Instead I had to put it in once and he acted like I hurt him (which killed me!) and then he pulled it back out and I had to put it back in again and he tensed up so much it took several times to get it in. By then I was in tear again and the stupid monitor wouldn't work and so I took both ends of it outside and smashed them. I threw them OVER and OVER until they were in pieces and then I cried some more. I felt embarassed and stupid but I couldn't help it. The next day I felt a lot better but someone said to me, "you have forgotten what a traumatic experience you had and sometimes we think we deal with it but we don't and so it comes out when we least expect it." I think that is true. I think seeing that hallway, hearing that song, the tube, all of it just set me off. I am feeling so much better now but I hate that I can't always keep my emotions in check....that is just not me! Emotions are rough!!! :) I am getting excited about the party and again invite EVERYONE! I have come up with some good ideas....like I am going to pick one of his really good pictures from this professional shoot and put it on his invites. I am going to make a collage of several posterboard pictures of his life from his first day. The pictures are upsetting but then when you see the recent ones and see him, they are a testimony! I need help with the party because I am not a real creative person so any ideas are appreciated!!!!!
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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Time....time....time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am not even certain that anyone is reading this as it is but I like to write anyway! We had a really great vacation! We drove to Cleburne, Texas (real kickin' town!) and Mark picked up his new boat. He was giddy with excitement! We went to the Fossil Rim Wildlife Park and it was so fun! You drive through in your car and giraffes, zebras, ostriches, deer and many other animals come to your car and you get to feed them. Some large and furry animal sneezed all over Riley. It was priceless! I thought he was going to die and I thought my mom might pee herself from seeing the shock on Riley's face. Bryson liked the animals and reached out to touch them. Kory sat in the back with his headphones on. The love of silly things such as wild animals is gone for Kory! I don't think I will ever be there. I could go to the zoo literally every, single day and never get bored! We stayed a few nights there and then headed to Cedar Creek Lake. We stayed in a big house on the water with my brother and his family and we had so much fun! Thank goodness my mom (nanny) went because it was too hot to take Bryson out to do too much. He did get the opportunity to swim in the lake and sit on the dock and in Daddy's new boat. He is such an easy baby, so happy in whatever he is doing. I think he may be teething. I am beginning to think he doesn't have any teeth at all! We took him to his appointment yesterday and he will be getting circumcised on July 19th. They will have to put him under but said it wouldn't be a big deal. I have talked to other people who had their children circumcised later on in life (as babies) and they said it was really no big deal so I am hoping he does good. He is still on the feeding tube and I feel like he will be for a while. He just won't do it! He is sweet but he is stubborn too! He eats pretty good but will take literally no fluids at all. I guess all we can do is give it time......as always!!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

That's What War Will Do To You!

Short note that Bryson is doing so great with his new allergy meds. He hasn't throw up in a few days. That is ASTOUNDING, seriously, this kid throws up all day! The laundry has been cut in half! Here the entire time I thought it was the tube but I guess now it was really the allergies. Who knew! Either way I am so glad! If he isn't throwing up over half of his feedings he will weigh 50 pounds soon! Honestly I think he gained his weight more from length than anything. He is so much taller! I can't believe we have been home for almost 5 months now. It is weird because I STILL think about the hospital. When I first came home I didn't think about it too much but the farther out we get the more I think about it and when I do think about it I get a rising feeling of terror. I wille explain it like this...Bryson is two different people. There was Bryson who was sick and in the hospital and whom I didn't know very well but still loved the same. I am fairly comfortable with knowing "that Bryson" was at the hospital. And then there is the "other Bryson"...the one who is a fat, thriving baby full of spunk and laughter. The "other Bryson" was never at the hospital and I think what bothers me is that sometimes, for some reason, I picture the "well Bryson" in the same situation the "sick Bryson" was in...at the hospital, hooked up to life support with tubes coming out of his body. When I do that it just creates pure fear and panic. I thought that coming home and being with Bryson would just be "IT", I would never look back but sometimes when I think about it, I think that this is kind of like what people refer to as post-traumatic stress syndrome. I know it sounds silly but you would think at this stage in the game I would have let it all go but it is just harder than I imagined it would be. I think Bryson has even carried things over, not all bad things. He has these strange coping mechanisms that I have never seen in other babies. For example, at night I have to "torture" him with putting new tape on his ng tube on his face, using eye drops and nose sprays and such. Well he gets very angry and fights me and screams like mad...but the VERY SECOND I finish, the VERY SECOND, he stops crying. You know how most babies (or most I have come in contact with) have some residual crying after the fact, a few sniffles and such but he turns it off right away. I wonder if that is because of what he went through. He is very into "touching" things. He looks things over and checks them out by lightly rubbing them with his fingers, in a strange way...very slowly..and I mean EVERYTHING. Whenever I wear a shirt with any print he reaches out and slowly rubs his hands over the lettering to see how it feels. At the doctor's office there are elephants painted on the wall. He wanted nothing more than to touch that wall. If you lay him on a blanket he reaches back and strokes the blanket. I wonder if that is something from the hospital. I know that he doesn't "remember" what happened to him but I worry that somewhere deep in his mind he does remember it. I wish I could forget it. It literally comes into my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY, without fail. Shouldn't it be gone now?? I think if we could get rid of the ng tube it would make me feel better. It is a constant reminder that he was sick and isn't completely 100 percent. Please pray that we get rid of that as soon as possible!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

21.6 pounds and counting!!!

We took Bryson to the doctor yesterday because he has terrible allergies. He has been throwing up a lot because of the all the snot. The doctor was so happy to see him. He was so excited and silly. He majorly tore up the paper on the doctor table. I am going to post the video if I can. I knew that my scale at home wasn't right because Bryson is too long and hangs off of it but I had no idea how off it was. He weighs 21.6 pounds. I couldn't believe it! What a chunk! She gave us all kinds of drops and sprays and meds and now he is doing so much better. He hasn't thrown up all day, that is UNHEARD OF! Seriously! She said she wants us to vigorously work on getting him off the tube and crawling. In fact, she said she wants him doing all those things when he is 9 months old. I am assuming she means towards the end of 9 months since he will be 9 months next week. I hate to say it and he has made leaps and bounds but that all seems like a lot. I mean he will take like 2 ounces a day by mouth, that is on a good day. He does good on his baby food but he has to be taking 24-26 ounces a day to take the tube out. I am not sure we will be there anytime soon. And as far as the crawling, well, he just isn't ready...but who knows. I am going to do what we need to do to get him where he needs to be but I refuse to stress any longer about any of it. I am just enjoying him. I am not sure if it is because he is the last baby, or because of his issues but he is truly sooo much fun! I love to watch his expressions, his eyes light up so much at EVERYTHING he sees. My mom laid him on his belly on a blanket and put the toys over where he couldn't reach them and so he pulled on the blanket and pulled the toys over to him. Smart kid! There is one thing about B, he does everything when he DAMN WELL PLEASES! But he is so stinking cute while he is doing it, so I guess I will let him get away with it. He is SUCH a mama's boy, it is ridiculous. If I am around no one can hold him but me. I LOVE IT!
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Monday, June 7, 2010

Take a Picture, It Will Last Longer!!!

What a wet and wild weekend it was! Sounds like Dr. Suess, right? It was about as crazy as a Dr. Seuss book. I kept my niece Carrie and nephew Morgan all weekend and then my mother-in-law and my nephew Matt came as well so we had a full house. It was so hot I swear I saw the devil running around in flip flops with a snow cone. It was utterly ridiculous how hot it was!!! We swam several times throughout the weekend thanks to my neighbor. Gotta love the neighbor's pool!!!! Bryson has seemed to hate swimming but this weekend I let him fuss a little because it was cold but then he LOVED it. He splashed and played and giggled and the other kids loved having him in the water too. It was so cute! Bryson loved having all the kids around. He just thinks that is the best thing ever. It doesn't hurt that he gets TONS of attention. Kory and Riley both got mohawks this weekend. They look super cute! Try taking out a baby with an ng tube and three boys with mohawks (nephew has one too) and boy do you get the stares. WOW! It is entertaining though! This weekend Bryson was laying in bed between Mark and I playing and talking and we were discussing how ROTTEN he is going to be. I mean EVERYONE knows and loves this kid and he couldn't get more attention from our nieces and nephews and all of our friends kids too, and he is the baby of both sides of the family. MAN, are we in some trouble!!!! Oh, and he said "mama"!!!!! YAH! No one else will admit it but I swear he did! Will post pics later!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Baths are good!

It has been a while my friends! I constantly think to post a blog and then LIFE kicks me in the rear and I am done! We had a really great weekend and B is doing good. We got a rare glimpse of that "dada" guy and Bryson thought that was great. In fact, he was so excited that Dada was home and the boys as well that he refused to sleep all weekend during the daytime, AT ALL! I know he was sooo tired but he was so afraid something would happen and he would miss it. He slept at night though so I can't complain too much. I had to replace his ng tube three or four times this weekend. His allergies are terrible and so he throws up snot and up comes the tube too. It is getting easier to put it in but it breaks my heart to have to do it. I have this hilarious video that I hope to post of him after a particular ng tube insertion. He gets mad for a second but if you give him the stethoscope afterwards then he is just fine. He loves that thing! He is a doctor in the making! Finally, on Monday night we put him in his jumper, which he LOVES and Mark called out to me, "Amy, is he ok?" He was all slumped over and being very still. Sure enough he was asleep. He had only been in the thing like three minutes and he was passed out cold. He fought the good fight as long as he could. On Tuesday when we all went back to work my mom called and was worried about him because he slept nearly all day. He was back to his old self last night. I guess it all caught up with him and he finally decided since there wasn't so much excitement he could allow himself to sleep. He is so goofy! He is able to sit up on his own (with a toy in front of him) for about 30 seconds at a time. Then he starts to fall over. Last night I put him in the tub in his "lay down" bath seat. He doesn't seem to like the "sit up" one. So he sees a rubber duck and he sits straight up and flies out of the bath seat, hits his noggin on the tub and never even blinked. I was sure it hurt but he didn't cry one bit. So I ended up putting him in the "sit up" seat and he had the grandest time ever. He splashed and splashed and ate the duck. It was like it was his first bath ever. I got a bath as well for all the splashing he was doing. We all had a great weekend full of bbqs and swimming. Bryson DOES NOT LIKE SWIMMING. He screams bloody murder and tries to have his feet crawl back inside of his body to get away from the water. I guess we will have to stick to baths for now!!!!