Memories

What a sweetie! Kory looked at the blog and made the comment that I don't mention him enough so I will mention something he did that he will probably be embarrased about. He said to me the other day, "remember Mom, isn't it you who says that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder???" Hee Hee! I guess that you could put it that way if you wanted! I love it! Summer is going good but it seems like it is going fast as well! Usually by the time school starts I am soooooo ready for it to start. I like structure and a schedule and summer is just "fly by the seat of our pants" and I don't like it! I feel like I have been so busy all summer and I guess that is because we have been busy but it has been good nonetheless. Now we are trying back with the bottle. He doesn't seem to like the sippy cup anymore and he acted a little interested in the bottle so we are back to that so we will see. It is rough really! I try so hard not to get frustrated but it is hard sometimes. I have to admit that I had a breakdown on Saturday. I am not sure what brought it about but to be honest it was a lot of things I think but really I think it began with going to the hospital where Bryson was born on Friday. I took some books up there and we walked down THE HALL. I already posted this on caring bridge but for those who didn't read it....it was the same hall where they rolled my near death baby down in a space machine contraption to Dallas as we peered in at his lifeless body. Walking down that hall just brought back soooo many bad memories. Later we were back in the car and B was with me grinning and laughing (and pooping) and I thought it was gone, I thought that feeling of despair and terror and fear was gone. The next morning I was feeding him baby food and heard the song I had picked out for his funeral (yes, I thought about it all the time at one point) and I just lost it. I had taken the tube out for pictures and I had this STUPID idea that it would make all the difference and he would eat and drink and I wouldn't have to put it back in. NOT SO MUCH! Instead I had to put it in once and he acted like I hurt him (which killed me!) and then he pulled it back out and I had to put it back in again and he tensed up so much it took several times to get it in. By then I was in tear again and the stupid monitor wouldn't work and so I took both ends of it outside and smashed them. I threw them OVER and OVER until they were in pieces and then I cried some more. I felt embarassed and stupid but I couldn't help it. The next day I felt a lot better but someone said to me, "you have forgotten what a traumatic experience you had and sometimes we think we deal with it but we don't and so it comes out when we least expect it." I think that is true. I think seeing that hallway, hearing that song, the tube, all of it just set me off. I am feeling so much better now but I hate that I can't always keep my emotions in check....that is just not me! Emotions are rough!!! :) I am getting excited about the party and again invite EVERYONE! I have come up with some good ideas....like I am going to pick one of his really good pictures from this professional shoot and put it on his invites. I am going to make a collage of several posterboard pictures of his life from his first day. The pictures are upsetting but then when you see the recent ones and see him, they are a testimony! I need help with the party because I am not a real creative person so any ideas are appreciated!!!!!