Whoever said that ignorance is bliss sure knew what they were talking about! It truly, truly is! I liked the days when I knew nothing of sick children, sick children who passed, leaving behind a parent with an ache in their heart unlike anything they had ever known, or ever will know. I liked the days before I knew about what could happen to my child....what he could go through. Yes, I know, he made it through all that. He is a survivor, he beat the odds. But no matter what, you can't let those "feelings", those "fears" go. They lay dormant by your side and creep up in your mind when you least expect it, sometimes nesting for days...weeks...months. You watch every breathe to see if it is too deep, too shallow. You ask yourself if they are "pulling" when they breath..and then you question why you even know that term. I know that other parents who have had very sick children understand what I am saying. You try to rationalize with yourself and tell yourself, "that is stupid, there is no way that could happen to my child." And for a second, you feel better, and then you remember that you said that before, and it happened anyway. Though my story has come out wonderfully, I still can't forget...and I know that everytime he gets sick, I am going to be sick inside, wondering if really this isn't a heart issue, or a lung issue or something worse. To me, he can't just be "normal" sick because he isn't normal, or at least he wasn't for so long that I can't see him that way. Truth be told, I just get so tired of worrying....is he eating enough? is he drinking enough? do his lips look blue? why are his hands so cold in comparison to his body? I truly thought all those feelings would vanish but it is stupid to think that. I just hope that some day, they subside. I hope someday he can be sick and I can write it off as a day at home with him, cuddle up and enjoy him. I hope that someday I won't be perpetually angry at myself for being so mad when he doesn't sleep at night or puts all my belongings in the bathtub. Everytime I feel cross at B, every single time, I remember, "he almost died" and then I feel lower than low. I remember that people all over the world have to get up with their really sick or disabled children all night long and there are also people all over the world who would give ANYTHING to be able to get up with their child, who they no longer have to hold. It makes me feel like a big jerk!
I guess I say all this because B was at home with me for a long weekend with the flu and it was just so stressful. Not to mention trying to pack to move and I just worry about him. And then he is just unbearable when he is sick and I am so stressed. I was so worried about him running fever and about him not eating and it is just exhausting! Now he is much better but still not eating great and I know that when I take him to the cardiologist they are going to act like I am starving him and make me feel terrible. Let's just hope he starts eating well and PACKS ON THE POUNDS before January 25th. Thanks for listening to me gripe! We will get over this speed bump too and he will be back on track again. I am SOOOO ready for him to get to that stage where he just eats and eats! Maybe someday! :)