"The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched-they must be felt with the heart." Hellen Keller

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Said funk has now morphed into deliberate sadness......and a little fear as well. I don't want to go into it fully but my husband is having some medical issues. It is funny, with my kids I want to share it with everyone but for this situation it is "different". I think because I know that he wouldn't really appreciate me telling everyone his business and for some reason I feel like if I share it out loud and tell everyone.....well, it makes it more real. Silly, I know! I almost wonder if the "funk" was not intuition. Female intuition is an amazing thing and I KNOW for a FACT it exists. We are amazing creatures, us lady folk! Anyway, with that being said, please say a prayer for our family. It would be much appreciated! All this medical stuff and my blog obsession just has me thinking. This time of year is so hard for some people, myself included, and the truth is I never lost anyone this time of year....it is just the memories of trauma. Like an anchor they drag the time with them and every year at that same time you see the terrible things that happened years ago. I can't imagine actually losing a loved one during the holidays and yet for so many it is a reality....the cold, hard truth. I find myself asking God why there is so much sadness, why so many children suffer? I find myself feeling guilty for being happy because so many people are heartbroken. I know because I used to be that person. I remember going to Babies R Us to try to find clothes for Bryson when he was in the hospital and they finally gave me the ok to dress him. Everyone was shopping happily and anticipating the arrival of their baby and I wasn't allowed to hold mine or even dress him. When we got back with his clothes they said he had an "episode" and was very sick. He would go several more weeks without wearing clothes after that. I remember seeing the Christmas tree at Children's and my mom commented how beautiful it was....I HATED that Christmas tree. I hated the decorations. I hated all of it! And even now, even though he is WELL, I just don't see Christmas as I used to. So many, many people are hurting and I know Christmas goes on and I know it is not about the trees and the gifts but the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. But still, so many are hurting. Do you know how many kids spend their Christmas in the hospital? How many families spend those days waiting for test results that could change their lives forever? It is just hard these days to see the happiness and joy because life doesn't stop and become magical that day like it does in the movies. I want to go back to the days when I didn't realize how many sick kids were in the world, how many, many people are dying of cancer and other diseases. I want to be foolish and full of cheer again! I want to not worry all the time about someone or something. I want to be able to just thank God for all the good, and not pray that someone gets well or that he help a family who has lost a loved one. Just one day!!!!!!!!!!!! I know what I need....I need go back to church. To surround myself with the love of God through my brothers and sisters in Christ. We haven't been back to church since Bryson got sick. I was told not to take him to the nursery because of sickness. And honestly we had some things happen with the church that were terrible. I won't repeat them because they don't bear repeating but to say that I was bitter and angry would be an understatement. That has since passed and I have let it go. And now Bryson is showing that he loves to play with other children and his immune system is stronger. And most of all, my heart needs PEACE....the kind of peace that only God can give. I know I rambled a lot in this, it was more of a "therapy" write for me. But please, this Christmas season, remember those who are hurting and pray for their peace. AND, as always, THANKS for listening (reading) ;)

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