"The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched-they must be felt with the heart." Hellen Keller

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I need to talk!

Hello everyone! Sorry it has been so very long since I last posted a message. Life has not only been busy, but a little....frustrating.....irritating.....rough....all of the above. On good notes, Riley had his 10th birthday which was pretty fun. We went down to Mark's parents for a reunion and had a good time. It was a silly day of playing and talking and card games and for a little while I just kind of "forgot" about everything. Bryson, of course, stole the show! Little stinker! His personality is blooming so very much! Kory played in a show at Dos Amigos and was really excited and he was so very good! I am so proud of my boys. Oh and in true "Young" fashion, Kory received an award at school for citizenship and Riley received the record for most time spent indoors for recess for talking (50 minutes). The sad part is that Riley was just as excited about his achievement as Kory was of his. GEEZ! That kid is going to turn me gray so very fast!
Other than that we have been very busy, and I am glad to see the boys' school year come to an end. I wish I could say I was looking forward to summer but to be honest I am not. I am instead kind of dreading it. I have school and four really big tests coming up and one test that could change my life if I don't pass it. I did get a position in a school that is really close to our house and is the same school Riley will be going to next year and I am sooooo thankful to that. The principal there REALLY stuck her neck out for me and has such faith in me and I am so humbled by that. I had planned on taking the test early because if I fail it I have to wait 60 days before I can take it again. I figured if I took it early I would have another chance before school started. I was evening going to take the test without taking the course, just using study material I came up with. However, that decision was changed for me when I found out that I cannot take the test until mid June. Well, the class is the last week of June anyway and so I am just going to wait, take the course and take the test as I would have originally, on July 5th....so now I have ONE chance, just one and to be honest I am terrified of failing. If I fail this test that job is no longer mine and I don't know what I will do and I will be so embarassed and humiliated. I feel like God prevented me from taking the test earlier than planned because only HE knows when I am ready but I feel like until I take and pass that test, I can't breathe, I can't laugh, I can't live. There is so much riding on all of this!!!
And then I also found out recently that some people have been talking about me...and don't get me wrong..I'm not an idiot. I know people talk about each other. The thing that makes this different is "who" is doing the talking. It is someone really close to me that I never really suspected, or at least I didn't know she was saying such terrible things and it goes on from there. And the things that are being said are so very, very hurtful. There are several involved and each one blames the other and no one even knows I know...so I carry it silently...smiling the whole while....politely eating crap with a spoon. To say I am hurt would be an understatement. Then some feelings were once again drudged up in relation to things that had to do with Bryson and his being sick. And all those feeling have come back as well.....in that time, when Bryson was sick I never realized that as I was falling apart in every way imaginable I was in a little glass box, and everyone was watching. I have never been one to hide my feelings or leave things out...it just isn't in my nature. I like to talk things out. I like to "feel" it and be done with it. But this certain thing....this certain person....I just can't be done with it. And then I begin to question myself and what kind of a mother I am...and on and on and on. I think it is a lot of things right now....being laid off, the pressure of school and a new career, life in general and then finding out that people you trust and that you think truly love you.....well, they just don't. It is time for a cleasing of sorts. I am cleaning the people out of my life who aren't positive or "good" for me. It is time for me to cleanse my soul...as soon as we return from our two weekend trips, I am going back to church, for good. I need God more than ever now! And I am cleansing my body as well. I am going to start working out and do weight watchers. I may cleanse my teeth as well...do some brushing...just kidding! No really, I am just having a hard time right now. I am seeing people for who they are and it hurts my heart and it makes me question myself and who I am. Soon enough I will be unemployed, then a full-time student, and then (with God's grace) a teacher and maybe this road is the one God intended for me to take. I think he wants me to see these things, regardless of how much it hurts. He is talking....all I have to do, is listen! I love you all and thanks for reading! In case you hadn't noticed, I needed to talk!

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